Sat, 17 Oct 2009 06:21:33 GMT

i woke up at 8 this morning, to have an early start and work all day, and perhaps go out tonight. i read a magazine until like 10 when everyone woke up. i had breakfast, wasted time till about 11 cos i cant start work unless its on the half hour or hour, and i missed the 10:30 mark. i wrote a few words of my extgerman essay, but my dad wasnt home, sister at work, and mum was reading on the balcony so i'd keep going back to the computer and wasting time. at 1:30 i had written about 100 words, so i went for a walk. had gelato and walked for like 40minutes, got home and on the computer again. i then did ONE english module practice thing, moduleA, in the space of like 3hours. what is my problem! i have now officially wasted the whole day , thats how i feel. i havent done anything.... hsc is in 3 days... and the problem is that this actually sounds like most of my days these "holidays", except for when i go library, where i work a bit more, from like 11-3 with breaks, and go home and waste the rest of the afternoon. this sucks. im getting omre and more stressed. and i keep thinking, how disappointed my parens will be if i get like a 94. which is stupid because thats a good mark, objectively. but not for them, and not for me, since i need more than that for psych.... argh

but in exciting news, i got my Ps the other day. i remember someone asking me a while ago, was it worth it? and i was like no, the stress trauma crying i went through , dreading every single lesson, for what? i'm not even gonna drive that much, like not to school/uni/parties etc.. and i remember tellign that to someone else.
but that was before i got my licence, when id done the hours. if you asked me now, i would say yes. because the pride and the knowing of how much i went through for this little laminated card makes it so much more than getting my Ps and being independent, it's proof that i'm more resilient than i give myself credit for as i survived 100+ hours of so much verbal abuse, so many times wanting to give up but not doing so. so yeah, it's worth it.

ahhh tonight is boban's party. it's in brighton le sands and my sis asked if i could give her a lift. it's pretty far for a lift, so iwas thinking of driving her, staying for like an hour or so and then going home. i need a differnt scene, i havent been out of my house or the library in like 2 weeks. but really, besides going to nicholas the other day (and that was for study purposes!) i havent seen anyone socially. i'm craving social contact so muchhh lol i just wanna partyyyyy. but if i do go tonight obv not driking. that'll wait till 4/11/09. my dad's gone fishing but. no idea when he gets back. so only if he gets back before like 8 or 9 or something will i go cos i'd have the car..
or maybe it's cos he'll be there, and i just want him to see that i'm doing fine, studying but still going out (lol), and have my Ps and ... and idno what else. but i wanna see him. i haven't since...

anyway i am going to go eat now. yummy lunch mum has made us - oh and i've gotten my apetite back :) completely. i am eating so much these days, as opposed to like the past few weeks when all of a sudden i just lost my apetite.

here are some thought-quotes, which are good to try to abide by.. like i completely believe the second/third one, if you keep thinking positevely and wish for something, you WILL get it. the universe has no reason not to give it to you lol.

"holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

"all that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. "

"the mind is everything. What you think you become."

"you yourself, as much as anybody in the universe, deserves your love and affection."

All of these are by Buddha.

Good luck for your last 3 days of studying before hsc begins... fuck...

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 10:48:51 GMT

"I am not confident.
I know I am smart, but not in the ways that count.
I read people much better than books, but I know that I never
have the words to explain my findings.
I'm only as funny as I feel
and I do not think I'm pretty.
I sometimes walk with my head down.
My posture is terrible.
I think horrible things about people and I let
my emotions get the best of me.
I'm really not as nice as I'd like to be,
or as innocent as you'd think I am.
I am a perfectionist.
I am a contradiction to everything I want to stand for.
I'm a big dreamer with little motivation.
I am really no good at all, on my own.
But I am analytical with myself.
And I don't understand how anyone could ever be cocky
or proud, when they are aware of all the disgusting things
that they think and do, but no one knows.
We're all broken enough to be humble."

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:04:10 GMT

peta gave me some fucking good advice at natalias.
pity im too chickenshit to take it.

damnjana